-1-
“Oh, sorry,” Ms. Mitchell sobs, wiping her eyes.
I want to tell her she doesn’t need to apologize for crying, but she grabs the edge of the table and doubles over. Her display of vulnerability silences me
Her daughter, Hannah holds on to her hand and doesn’t seem at all concerned about her mother’s tears. She seems intensely focused on the butterfly sugar cookie in my outstretched hand.
Before I can remember how to react, a comforting arm drapes over Ms. Mitchell’s shoulders and stands her up.
“It’s alright. Let it out.” He says, so comforting. “Let’s see if I can get you a seat, ma’am.”
He leads Ms. Mitchell to one of the padded folding chairs near the stage where she buries her face in her hands and then he comes back to me, kneeling down to the little girl’s level. He gently takes the cookie out of my hand and hands it to her.
“I bet you like coloring books,” he tells her. He smiles and I notice his back teeth are slightly pointed.
Hannah nods and he holds out his hand, leading her the short distance to the to the play area.
“ Princesses or ponies ?,” he asks her looking at the books.
She hesitates.
“How about both ?,” he decides cheerfully and she nods.
He introduces Hannah to his little cousin, Lily, who eagerly shows off her glitter crayons. He reassures Hannah she could still see her mother and on his way back to Ms. Mitchell he quickly rubs my back
A warm flush spreads through me at his touch. I’d never said it out loud, but I know I don’t deserve it or him. He is a kindhearted, committed and even handsome. Very handsome. It’s not something I’m supposed to notice, but I do. I don’t know what he thinks of me, we’ve never spent more than a few hours together and never alone.
But tomorrow Sawyer Miller would be my husband.
Something swells in me with that thought. It’s either fear or perhaps even pride. I don’t love him at all, I’m not supposed to but I will grow to and I know it will be easy.
No one says it, but I know a man like him should have anyone he wants and I am not his choice. I’m his default. The only girl on the commune who is young enough and isn’t partially related to him.
Sawyer is the nephew of Richard Caine, the founder of United Light. He was raised by Caine and everyone on the commune admires his unwavering devotion to his uncle and the United Light doctrines. And even though Caine has six older children who still live at the commune, it is expected Sawyer will take Caine’s place as our leader and ambassador when he retires.
And last month it was decided I will be at his side.
Sawyer stands to begin the session and I go back to dutifully filling cups with lemonade and placing the cookies on to platters. It wasn’t an important job, but it was all I could do until I was officially trained to help at community outreach events. While I’d be happy being trained on collecting checks or organizing moves, I know I will be expected to lead like Sawyer.
“ Good morning. I am so happy to see so many familiar faces here and I’ve been told many of you are eager to begin your new life.” Sawyer greets them with an easy smile. “We will be leaving for the Community this evening, so if you have not made a decision to join us you will have to reach out to me individually when you are ready to become fulfilled. Now, we’ve done a lot of overview this weekend, so I’ll start by opening the floor for questions or comments or hesitations.”
At this Ms. Mitchell stands.
“I just want to say…thank you, Sawyer.” She says loudly and gestures to the other blue-clad members standing around the room. “Thank you, all. I am just so happy we don’t have to go back to the shelter tonight.”
In confidence, Sawyer had explained to us at dinner yesterday that Ms. Mitchell has been living in a women’s shelter. It did not seem as nice as it sounded.
The meeting is short, most of these people have already made the decision to join us and ask about what their lives will be like in the Community and what will happen to their former debts and belongings left behind.
When the meeting is over I idly clean up the snack table while Sawyer and his friends load our newest members belongings on to the bus. After an entire week in this backwoods Mississipi swampland, they’ve recruited five new members which I’m told is excellent.
“Ready for outing three, Julianna ?” I hear Sawyer’s voice behind me.
I jump out of my skin not seeing him there because I was wiping the table for the millionth time.
He keeps a respectful distance from me, but he is still close.
“Yes.” Is all I can manage.
I’m still not used to talking or being directly addressed by him. He smiles and I follow him to the black Land Rover, Grayson and Micah, two junior councilmen are in the car along with two Tranquility Lights, the protectors of United Light.
The TLs were another thing I had to get used to. They were men who protected us from the outside threats in the Community. Many of the men and boys within the Community become TLs, but the ones who guarded Caine and his family are recruited directly from the outside, most of us don’t even know their names, just their numbers.
“Where are we going ?,” I venture to ask Sawyer.
“It’s a surprise, if you don’t mind.” He responds softly.
“Okay,”
Once TL56 starts the car, Sawyer makes a quick apology and takes out a tablet and I watch him respond to e-mails about coordinating his next recruiting event after our nuptial celebrations.
Caine and his Council arranged most of the marriages among the younger members as they saw best to keep the unity of the community together.
But what made Sawyer’s and I’s union so different (aside from his position) was that we had never spoken or met. While we’d grown up in proximity to each other’s lives, he’d always been up on the pedestal next to Caine and his family. The only thing he really knew about me was my name and my address.
The Council edited the doctrine to require that we have three prenuptial outings together.
The first had been earlier this month, I’d been taken to a family gathering at the beautiful Caine Family House, the second has been me coming to the outreach event and the final one would be one of Sawyer’s choosing.
No one in the car seems to like talking, the boys are all staring intently into the phones they’d been assigned and I gaze out the window. This part of the outside is boring compared to the parts I’d seen on a few Community field trips. There is nothing but tall grass, endless roads and abandoned buildings.
The car makes a quick left at a rusty sign that read Jackson Enchanted Gardens in cursive black script.
Everyone gets out of the car and Sawyer buys us tickets at the gate. Caine preferred to keep us under supervision for both of our protections. I step through the gate first and I see are acres and acres of beautiful flowers. They go for miles; around lakes, up trellises, stacked in topiary designs.
“It’s beautiful,” I say
I follow Sawyer as he makes a brisk pace past the rows of tulips,white roses and the stalks of sunflowers to the large greenhouse at the edge of the garden. He moves like he is on a mission.
“Are you ready ?,” he says, reaching his hand out.
I look into his hand, but don’t see anything. I burn with stupidity when he reaches down and takes my hand. It was the boldest move he’d done so far.
He pulls me into the greenhouse, it’s fragrant and humid. There aren’t nearly as many flowers, but lots of greenery and everyone is inspecting it closely. Sawyer points to a green vine and I look at it closely and I see them.
Butterflies.
There are hundreds of butterflies all over this place. Most of them are orange or yellow and a sign tells me they are
Monarchs, but Sawyer points out some that are purple and even pink. They mostly
stick to the plants, but occasionally a group will flutter across the room.
“How do you think they keep them in here ?,” I ask
“They import the caterpillars and raise them in the spring,” he tells me. “And make it so nice they don’t want to leave when they hatch.”
I looked at him, surprised he knew.
“I figured you might ask,” he tells me. “Do you like it ?,”
“I do,” I say, it just slips out.
When we reach the edge of the sanctuary, Sawyer asks Grayson to take a photo of us with his phone. He stands behind me and puts his hands around my waist and whispers for me to remember to smile, which I’m glad he does because my uneasiness at his sudden close touch was all over my face.
As we walk out to have lunch at the café, Sawyer doubles back to Grayson to look at the picture and send it to Caine. TL56 holds open the door for me. He suddenly grabs my arm and jerksme towards him. I stumble back.
“Watch your step,” he says in a deep southern accent.
I look down and see I was within inches of stepping on a dead butterfly.
***
-2-
Our wedding day begins at 6AM.
I know where he is at every second of the day. I have to . From this point on he will be my first job.
At 6AM I am having my hair and makeup done by our neighbor Rosa and her mother. Sawyer is leading a morning prayer.
At 8AM my mother says I am only allowed juice and lowfat yougurt for breakfast. Sawyer has a counseling session with a group of preteen members.
At 10 AM I have tea with the wives of the councilmen. Sawyer is in Caine’s daily morning briefing.
At 12 PM I’m dressed by three women in the gorgeous billowing white dress that was purchased just for me and I shiver to think about the sheer negligée I have underneath and our consummation. I have vague idea about how it will go but mostly I’d been kept in the dark about these things.
The dress is so full I have to practice walking in it and keeping my balance.
I’m kept in a parlor in Caine’s house while we wait for the ceremony to begin at 3PM. Sawyer insisted on having time to visit with the new members he recruited so he can work on their concerns.
My mother sits with me and occasionally my father and they are just so proud. My parents were some of United Light’s original members in the 1970’s. I’d been told they’d had wonderful lives and family in the outside, but chose to give it up and they both never regretted it.
I asked them about their own marriage and my mother told me they were just lucky they worked out so well and I should be fortunate I have this opportunity to be chosen for someone so powerful.
The ceremony starts at 3PM, I walk down an aisle assisted by my father with our entire 200 person community watching. Sawyer’s copper brushed curls have been tamed, he’s wearing a suite and a silk UL blue tie that matches the blue of the sash around my waist. He takes my hand and we stand looking up at the elevated stage to listen to Caine.
Caine is in his late 60’s and at the Caine family gathering last week I had caught mutterings that he was sick with cancer. He seemed healthy as he read proclamations and attested to the virtues of his nephew. But if he was really is sick it means my future will start sooner than I had planned.
After 2 hours we repeat an affirmation to give ourselves to each other mind, body and soul. I pledge to submit myself to him and United Light. We agree to change our last name to Caine at Caine’s request.
And then we exchange rings
After the applause, he kisses my lips so briefly I hardly register it. The community applauses.
We lead the community to the reception hall. This is usually my favorite parts of weddings, where we eat food, dance and talk.
But we don’t get that pleasure. Sawyer keeps his hand in mine as he is approached by nearly every junior councilmen and his countless friends while we make our way to the table. Most want to hand him a glass of brown liquor, some want to talk business, other whisper things to him and joke that he probably can’t wait to get out of here and then laugh loudly.
A few women came up to me. I get advice like be patient, don’t be scared and trust him.
Our hands are constantly being shaken and we are pulled into a million different hugs.
Sawyer is kind though. He introduces me to all of his friends and when we finally get away and to our table he whispers jokes to me. Even though they aren’t funny they make me laugh.
“What did the fish say when he hit the wall ?,” he whispers in my ear. “Dam”
A soft violin song comes over the speakers and we get up to have our
dance. He leads and I follow his steps.
He makes room for me and I spin, he pulls me close to him and I put my hands on
his shoulders.
“What did one snowman say to the other snowman ?,” he whispers and in a funny voice says. “Do you smell carrots ?,”
I have to suppress my laugh and he smiles down at me. Suddenly all the cameras in the room are flashing on us.
We talk for hours to the guests, most of the Community is older than us so everyone wants to give advice. The younger members want to take pictures with us.
When the reception ends we are driven to our house with a procession of cars behind us. The small two bedroom house sits on the end of the street, but still in the view of the Caine Family house. I am a bit excited for this part. The house was built just for us and decorated by one our members. I haven’t seen it, but I know it will be beautiful and it will be all mine. All ours.
The only people still with us are my parents, his family and a few council members. They pose us for a few photos on the front lawn. After half an hour of photos and poses Sawyer puts his arms in the air and starts waving them.
“Okay, everyone.” He says. “I think me and my bride are ready to be alone.”
There are some low whistles and a few groans. My mother hugs me, even though I know I will see her tomorrow to get my clothes. Sawyer takes the key out of his pocket and opens the door.
“May I ?,” he asks.
I nod, thinking he is opening the door for me, but he picks me up off my feet and carries me into the house.
The house smells new, like sanded wood and paint. Still holding me he runs up the stairs and into the master bedroom.
The second bedroom is empty. I know it is for Caine’s grandnephew. He really wants a boy to keep with traditions. He wants one tonight.
Setting me down, Sawyer opens the window in the bedroom and looks down, I join him and see a few people are still on our lawn.
“Alone,” he repeats with a smile and a shooing gesture.
We wave at them and they all begin to disperse.
Now we are finally alone.
The room is simple, with an armoire, a vanity and a queen bed in it’s large oak frame. The bedspread is ruffly and elegant and of course in the UL blue.
Sawyer pulls off his jacket, tie and belt and throws himself on to the bed. He turns to look at me.
“I am exhausted,” he sighs. “Are you ?,”
“Yes,” I admit.
I wanted to be good enough for Sawyer, I wanted to be intimate with him, but right now all I am is afraid. Afraid he’d hurt me. My mother told me he’d make the first move and I wonder if this is it.
He sits up in bed and discards the rest of his tuxedo on the floor until he’s just in his underwear and undershirt. I feel like I should look away, but he comes towards me and takes my hands and leads me to lie down on the bed
My dress poofs out and takes up so much space on the bed he has to lie half on top of it.
He puts his hand on my face and clasps my hand.
“Wife.” He says sadly and then even quieter. “Shit.”
I don’t know how to respond.
“We’re married,” he says to himself almost in shock. “Can I tell you something …something personal ?”
“Of course,” I say, because I’ve promised I would.
He studies my face, but shakes his head.
“Never mind,” he yawns. “I’m just so tired, Julianna. I’d really just like to sleep tonight.”
“Oh,” is all I respond with. I hadn’t been counting on that at all. I’m a bit disappointed.
“I hope you don’t mind,” he says. “I’m just exhausted….and a little drunk.”
I get up and look through the closets for something to change into but all there is is the satin blue dress I’ll be wearing tomorrow to go get my clothes.
“I don’t think we have any sleeping clothes,” I report to him.
“I thought so. My Uncle is quite traditional.” he says. “You can just get under the covers and cover up if it makes you more comfortable.
I turn around in the vanity to look for a good place to start unlacing myself out of the dress. I bend my arms back to start, but soon learn my arms don’t bend that way. He crawls across the bed and begins undoing the corset strings
.
He pauses when the dress falls in one sigh.
I don’t think he accounted for how sheer the negligee underneath would be or how the underwear was just a fancy piece of ribbon. He leans back into the bed and opens the corner of the comforter for me. I easily sleep in. It’s so soft.
“I’d like to try something,” he says.
He gets under the covers with me and sitting up, pulls my body into his so I am half sitting in his lap, my head against his beating chest. He kisses the top of my head. It’s a comfortable position.
“How do you feel ?,” he asks. “Does this feel…right ?,”
It does, but I can sense his nervousness. He thinks this is too fast.
“It feels like potential,” I say and he nods.
We sit like that and with nothing for us to do he takes out the tablet he snuck into the house earlier. He has games on it, but defers to reading UL Doctrines from it to me. Most of the doctrines are rules of order, but some of it is Caine’s life story and how he started UL. Sawyer reads until his voice is just a mumble.
I fall asleep tangled within his strong arms
and I wake up without them
He’s gone and the house is silent.
In his place is a note. The first sentence takes my breath away.
Julianna,
I’ve made a mistake
I’m sorry, I'm sorry I’m so sorry. I should have been braver. I wanted to tell you earlier, but we were never alone. I can’t do this anymore. UL is a fraud, my Uncle is dangerous and I can’t be in charge of this. I have to run. I need to escape.
If this comes down on you in any negative way or if you see it too memorize the address below and I will find you. If not please destroy this, I trust you to.
I’m sorry for being so afraid and I'm sorry for what could have been.
Love,
Sawyer.
----
You: Does this mean a UL reboot ?
SHV: lol, nope. Even I can't tackle that monster.
You: What happens though ? Does she go ?
SHV: I honestly have no clue.
Okay, I also realize I use the trope of ending with a letter in Minnie & Alan's story in En Moritas...yeah, I'm re-reading some stuff.
